Toddler Antics- You have a toddler? read on….

Toddler Antics-
You have a toddler? I am betting you can relate to the following….
You will rarely if ever have a bubble bath without the addition of a plastic toy truck or a rubber duck being thrown in. Other additions to the bath is usually the toddler themselves. Don’t bother with the candles for mood lighting you will be out before they are.

You may develop “guns” or prominent arm muscles. Carrying 10kgs plus around for a good percentage of the day creates the best arm definition I have had in my life. Note to self- alternate child to avoid resembling Madonna like arms on one side and tuck shop lady arms on the other.

Your toddler will at some point fall asleep after you. I have flaked it in bed with a toddler literally dancing on my head at some ungodly hour (It was probably only 10 o’clock).

You will step on Lego while creeping to bed. Lego seems to grow spikes when the lights are turned off.

On the subject of toys- you will wake through the night hearing strange voices- Voices coming from the bottom of toy boxes, voices that you can’t reach easily, voices that you are too tired to get up and turn off. This can actually be quite scary, especially combined with sleep deprivation….

You will start to enjoy cartoons again. I have no idea what is going on in the world of adult news these days however I know exactly what “Charlie and Lola” and “Gaspar and Lisa” have spent their day doing…

You will never just dash down the street with a walking toddler. A 5 minute non toddler trip could turn into a 45 minute stroll with your toddler with activity such as “stop and sit down on road”, “curiously check every leaf and rock in their view path” or decide they want to walk the other way……basically toddlers take their time to “smell the roses”” I know it is totally adorable if you have the time…..not so much when the only open shop is about to close in 3 minutes and you are completely out of nappies.

Can you relate?

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Toddlers- They really do need a baby chino…right?

_CSC0975Before I become a mum I had a fairly low tolerance for children. In fact I had zero tolerance most of the time. I simply couldn’t believe the way parents doted on their children, in particular toddlers.

You know those toddlers that go into a violent rage when they aren’t allowed to get some kind of object/toy from every shop visited.The toddler that screams “No” defiantly in a shopping centre when told politely they are going back in their pram. Oh and toddlers that refuse to walk when your arms are full of heavy grocery bags.

Why would you have one?

Who would have guessed that despite their hideous outburst toddlers are the most adorable little beings. If you’re reading you most likely have one so I know you already know this fact, but they really do light up your life with just one cute giggle……

Before I was a mother, 2 years and 4 months ago to be precise I had a mental list of things that would never be acceptable in my home.
What a list…….

No – 1- Toddler would only get toys when necessary and they would be special and appreciated. Play room would hopefully resemble muted shades of blue and lots of wooden toys for that “vogue living look” oh and an old fashioned abacus…. How completely child chic….

Complete fail- We have a variety of accumulated toys and the play room is an abomination of bright garish primary colours. It is not vogue living, it is however Target tested through and through. There is no abacus, no neutral coloured railway set and there is no child sitting playing with it looking serene in his white unstained linen overalls. There is however a child going ballistic slamming a bat into 20 balloons I have just blown up for his enjoyment.

No-2- Toddler would not have a strong interest in fast food chain, in particular “The Golden Arches”. My toddler would be eating organic food and would follow healthy eating habits just like his mother (without her sweet tooth)….

Fail- We rarely go to “The Golden Arches” but one meal with gift was all it took for this obsession to start. Last long car trip we drove past the famous sign to hear a commotion in the back seat. We turned around shortly afterwards and gave in to the much loved meal with gift.

No-3- Toddler will not rudely eat food before reaching supermarket counter, with the exception of perhaps a grape or 2. No mauling of foods.

Fail-Last supermarket trip a “Kinder Surprise” was eaten well and truly before I had even got to aisle 3 (I did rescue the barcode). Apples are also frequently taken to counter with a bite out.

No.4- Before I had my lovely toddler I watched a comedian talking about toddler behaviour. At the time I found it hilarious. He spoke about children’s behaviour in cafes and restaurants. He went on to say that he noted a child demanding a “baby chino”; in fact the child was saying “I just really need a baby chino”. I was mortified, what a brat.

Epic fail- Each week I would average spending $10.00 on a bit of fluff and sprinkles. As we pass the café I hear “cof, cof, cof (meaning coffee from a 2 year old). I even tried to ween him off baby chinos, no it didn’t work. The hands went out as if to say “where’s my baby chino ?” As if to say “I need my baby chino….”
One look at his adorable pudgy face and I ordered him a beloved baby chino (he was also starting to roll around the café couch like a maniac).

Toddlers- adorable on all accounts when they are your own or closely related….

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The postman knows the unfashionable truth…

postmanThe postman must think I suffer from a several personality’s disorder. It appears that every time I am having one of these days, the post man will appear-

“Husband PJ’” day..I have my husband’s pyjamas on at 11 o’clock on a weekday and vacuuming house wildly. My toddler is still not dressed.He is running around the house butt naked with a dustpan and broom.

“Lady of the night” day…. I have a way too short nightie on, panda eyes and the house looks like a brothel.

“Beauty therapy” day… I am in the shower with a facemask on and the mailman is knocking impatiently.

“Dress up” day… I have decided to try a new look but not half-heartedly. For instance 1950’s housewife without the immaculate kitchen. I may be looking immaculate which means the house will be looking rather dishevelled.

“Supermodel footwear” day… I am breaking in new high heels however I am wearing it with casual attire. This day usually includes pretend European catwalking with loud fashion show music playing (and possible fantasising about being a supermodel at 30).

The day the postman arrives to “immaculate x3 – house, child and I” will most likely never happen. I asked the postman once “have you ever been greeted by a woman in a face mask and a naked child before today?” The response without any hesitation “Oh yes, I have seen everything before”. I could only wonder what other women do in their seemingly normal homes…….

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Playgroup- Do the mothers at school really like me?


Funnily enough when you have a child you have to go back to school. Unless your planning to raise a baby hermit,you as parent of your child are forced to attend PLAYGROUP. Playgroup, Early Learning Centres, Kindy Gym, Reading Magic, Sing Alongs and possible a hundred other options are devised to socialize, stimulate and generally provide interest for your little rug rat.

I never really understood that you eventually have to take your child to these things. As a first time mother I spent the first 12 months happily shopping, sipping a latte or three and forcing my lovely child to sit in small cubicles while I tried on hundreds of outfits while he sat patiently chewing on a coat hanger. I decided it may not be the healthiest situation for my son to only know just how many items you can take into Myer and perhaps do the playgroup thing…for his sake not mine…

Possibly because we have moved so frequently since my son was born I never did “Playgroup”. Once we moved somewhere I knew we would be staying for more than 5 minutes I knew it was time to do “The Playgroup Thing”. Playgroup really concerned me. I’m not a mumsy mummy and I heard that playgroups can be clicky. “Do I have to go I thought”…. well yes my adult brain told me.”Your not a child anymore your 30 and you actually have a child that may like to be socialized outside of a department store change room”.

We were going to playgroup, Monday morning. My husband had actually asked what I was going to wear to playgroup? He was obviously, well possible mildly concerned I was going to be “The Inappropriately Dressed Mother” not in a overtly sexual way just in a “That really is too much to be singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at 10am on a Monday morning kind of way”.

Funnily enough playgroups are a bit like miniscule versions of society. It covers most stereo types sporty mummy, fashion savvy mummy, craft mummy, funny mummy, stressed mummy, arty mummy, hippy mummy oh and a few daddies who I always feel for during singing time. Everyone is actually secretly admiring them for being man enough to 1 – go to playgroup and 2– sing Twinkle Little Star without showing hint of embarrassment in room full of women.

So what stereo type was I going to fit into? Well this could be a chance to really shine. I no longer had my daggy not cool enough school wardrobe. I had a hip designer wardrobe and overpriced sunglasses this time round in the school yard. Problem being… no one likes a show off!!!!

So off we went to our “Early Learning Centre” , I chose a class that had maximum structured activity to avoid feeling like a lost schoolgirl. I know it wasn’t about me…. but my son was fine infact he was totally loving it. I knew this would not be the first and only class we would be attending. Me-I was busy feeling somewhat uncomfortable but old enough to not really care. The difference- I was now at school at 30 not 10 and this was a lot easier. I also had a son that was getting way more out of it than he was ever going to get in any store change room.

So we kept going and going and I am a regular at this playgroup business now. I engage and initiate mummy conversations about sleep habits, fussy eaters and toddler tantrums ( unbelievably I secretly enjoy it). I guess that’s wear life is currently at and when you can discuss the mundane going on’s of mother hood with someone that ‘s going through it at the same time. It also makes for a bit of light relief for others that are either way past that stage of life or just don’t really care ( so me 2 years ago…).

To sum up-We really have become accustomed to our playgroup these days and as much as I hate to say it I look forward to my Monday’s singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”. Oh and do the mothers at school really like me???…. Perhaps….. but I might take some muffins next week to really seal the deal.

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